Worth It?

Just an FYI in advance, this is going to be one of my rant-y, vent-y, honest posts–so if you don’t feel like reading that today, by all means skip it. I won’t take it personally 😉 But I encourage you to read on if you’ve ever struggled with feeling like something in your life wasn’t worth doing…for whatever reason.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my ED recovery journey lately. I definitely don’t consider myself recovered (and to be honest I’m not sure if I’ll ever be fully recovered) but somewhere along the spectrum of recovery. Thinking back to my first days in recovery makes me proud of how far I’ve come, but it also bothers me.

See, I’ve been gradually ‘cleaning’ up my eats over the past year and I have to say that I love the way I eat now. Mostly whole foods, completely plant-based, plenty of tasty and healthy things. I consider things I ate a couple years ago, or even last year, and I kinda shudder. I thought I was eating healthy, but a lot of it was basically vegan ‘junk food’, like processed meat alternatives and sugar-packed Clif bars. I feel more energized and light eating the way I do know, but the thing that gets me is why hasn’t my body caught on to the changes? In other words (my ED’s words, really), why haven’t I lost weight eating clean? If anything, I’ve gained weight since last year and all that’s changed is I exercise more now (especially weight training) and eat cleaner. Seriously, I eat fruit/veggies at every meal, get in my greens daily, rarely eat grains (and never eat wheat anymore) and have raw chocolate as a treat. For most people, that adds up to weight loss, or at least fat loss, so why is my body so out of whack that it does the exact opposite? Actually, I know why it’s out of whack–because for years, I severely or at least somewhat restricted my calories and I’m just now feeling like I’m fueling myself adequately to support my energy levels. Who knows, though? Maybe I’m still restricting and my metabolism is still slowed.

August 2011. I still love how skinny I look here and I wish I was still this small.

It bothers me, maybe more than it should, because I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been. I’ve always been petite–short, small, thin. I haven’t grown in height since the ninth grade, but my weight has still slowly crept up 10 pounds in a couple years. Doesn’t sound big, but to me it is. It makes me see a girl in the mirror who’s much larger than she’s ever been. It makes me question why I even try to recover.

Last July on the left, this July on the right. Same outfit. Maybe not noticeably different, but it is to me.

What has recovery given me? I still (obviously) struggle with poor body image, on an almost daily basis. I still restrict, albeit in a different way. I still think about food and exercise way more than I should, and let them determine my mood for the day. I still get cold easily, have purple feet sometimes, have acne that won’t completely go away even when treated daily with a natural remedy. I haven’t gotten my period naturally. I still (admittedly) love compliments on my body, because it’s the only way I can validate that I haven’t ballooned out of control. I’m still scared to eat as much as I probably should. My greatest fear is still weight gain.

That’s not to say that I haven’t experienced positive things in recovery. It introduced me to veganism, which is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. It changed my life profoundly, and unexpectedly. It made me realize we can’t change our past, but we CAN change our future, and that’s what gives me hope.

But it still frustrates me that I put in all this effort to be healthier, and I don’t get rewarded for it. I still deal with body issues, both internally and externally, and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I’m seriously considering meeting with a nutritionist just to ask what I need to be eating as a vegan, how much, and why I’m not seeing the results I should be. I have issues asking for help sometimes, but I think if we’re really struggling, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to reach out and ask for all the help we need.

I have hope that somehow, I can find the answers I need to find the health and happiness I want and need. I still think recovery will be worth it in the long run, I just need guidance in the direction I should go to find success with it. I think everyone deserves to feel their best, so I hope that if you’ve struggled or still struggle with a similar issue, that you can find peace and happiness in life.

What’s something in your life that you’ve questioned if it’s ‘worth it’?

WIAW: Then & Now

Before I start, let me just say a big thank you to everyone who left a comment on my last post! You all had such insightful advice and I really appreciated each and every comment.

Now onto the best party of the week…WIAW! I’ve seen a theme going around lately about then & now type WIAW posts. Mine’s a little different–I’ll be focusing on what I ate when I first started this blog in 2011, and what I’m eating now. It’s crazy how much my eating style has changed in just two years!

Breakfast

Then

Yogi blueberry granola crisps over Greek yogurt, half a homemade blueberry waffle, veggie breakfast sausage.

Basically, some variation on whole grain carbs+processed protein. For some reason, I ate a Morningstar spicy veggie pattie or veggie sausage pretty much every day with breakfast for a year. It was a decent source of protein, but I shudder at the mile-long ingredient list now.

Now

Tiramisu chia protein pudding.

I don’t have a chia pudding every day, but they’re one of my favorite breakfasts now. I focus a lot more on healthy fats (nut butters, raw bars, coconut cream) and cleaner carbs and proteins. Some other favorites are protein frosting-topped homemade buckwheat waffles, almond flour pancakes and protein microwave muffins.

Lunch

Then

Spinach salad with frozen mango and Gardein chick’n nuggets.

I still did salads for lunch (not as often as I do now) but they were a lot more plain and usually protein-ed up with Gardein products. I think their products are good for newbie vegans and vegetarians or when you want some vegan junk food, but I prefer whole foods sources of protein now like beans, edamame and tempeh.

Now

Spinach salad with nooch dressing and sprouted pumpkin seeds.

I love salads with homemade dressings, seeds/nuts, dry roasted edamame, dried fruit, olives, leftover brown rice sushi…basically, anything goes! I also pretty much always have a side of fresh fruit…and sometimes maybe a square of dark chocolate.

Snack

Then

Golden corn Vitatop with almond butter, Crystal Light pink lemonade.

Sensing a theme here? I was definitely eating a lot of ‘healthy’ (aka low fat, lower calorie) processed foods. I used to LOVE Vitatops, especially the corn ones, but I haven’t had one in over a year. And I don’t miss all the preservatives and weird ingredients at all.

Now

A typical snackplate.

My snacks are often a snack plate-style assortment of protein (peanut flour paste or dry roasted edamame), fats (nuts, seeds, guacamole) and produce (dried fruit, kale chips, carrots). Oh, and chocolate is necessary!

Dinner

Then

OMG fish on a plant-based blog?! Mahi mahi topped with homemade strawberry salsa, watermelon gazpacho.

Most of my meals were vegetarian back in 2011, but I did enjoy the occasional fish or seafood dinner. I think if I ever decide to eat meat again, I’ll only eat fish/seafood because it’s really healthy and it was the one meat I actually enjoyed.

Now

Whole Foods salad bar leftovers.

I don’t eat Whole Foods salad bar every night (I wish!) but I definitely eat completely plant-based and get in plenty of veggies and different sources of protein. I like to mix things up though: breakfast-for-dinner, eggplant muffulettas on coconut flour bread, homemade veggie burgers (or Sunshine burgers), nooch-y nachos…the list goes on!

Dessert

Then

Raw brownie with coffee froyo and raspberries.

Actually, this still looks pretty good! I haven’t had a raw brownie in way too long…Anyways, I loved Stonyfield froyos (especially the coffee flavor), cereal and Whole Foods brand Oreos as desserts–not horrible, but way too sugary for me now!

Now

Raw vegan chocolate ganache.

Still loving the raw desserts, but now they’re more often store-bought (that needs to change though–too bad my tiny food processor sucks!). I generally eat protein microwave muffins or banana softserve most nights, but sometimes have no-sugar-added coconut milk ice cream or raw desserts or Larabars.

How have your meals changed in the past 2 years? Were you ever obsessed with a food/brand that you can’t stand now?