Time for another honest post over here. I usually like to keep things light and fun, talking about food and fitness and outfits and daily life, but I feel like honesty is really needed in the blog world and since I know a lot of you out there can relate to these posts in some way, I like to keep myself accountable and also ask y’all for some advice from time to time.
Remember this post from about a year ago? That was one of the hardest posts I’d ever had to write but the responses I got were incredible. I promised that I was going to start eating more, stop tracking calories, etc. Well, it took me quite awhile–at least half a year–to get to the point where I felt almost okay doing those things. I stopped tracking my calories earlier this year, and it’s been so freeing. I’ve been eating more than I was a year ago–I don’t know if it’s ‘enough’ but I feel a lot better, more energized.
However, one little thing is still playing with my mind…the scale. My mom bought a scale for the first time during my ED recovery so she could monitor my weight. She hasn’t weighed me in over a year and a half…but that doesn’t mean the scale’s gone unused. Oh no! Every opportunity I get (aka being home alone when I’m on school breaks or weekends I come home), I hop on that scale…and I’m always disappointed with the number. It doesn’t help that just a year ago, my BMI was fairly underweight–I was restricting (though I was eating some things that I wouldn’t touch now, because now I’ve focused my ‘restrictions’ on eating clean) and actually working out less than I am now. So now that I’ve regained to my post-ED goal weight (which, admittedly, is also slightly underweight), I feel like shit. I keep thinking, “How could I have gained that much weight in a year, when I’ve only been eating a little more and working out way more, including weight training?” It makes me mad to think that a year ago, or a few years ago when I was really struggling, I weighed less but was eating less cleanly. People talk about how easy it was for them to drop pounds once they cleaned up their diet, but for me, the opposite has happened. Don’t get me wrong, I really like eating clean, but it annoys me that I’m not seeing the results I want. It’s hard for me to look in the mirror most days, and not see a body that’s bigger than I’d like it to be.
Just to be clear, my goal now is not weight loss, but lean muscle gain. But it’s hard to see the number on the scale go up, when I have no real idea what my body composition is. Silly me for assuming I’d be ultra-lean after just a month or so of strength training. I know real results take time, but I just feel so huge some days.
I know some of you have mentioned that you didn’t start seeing results until you upped your intake by a lot…but doing that still scares me. I have no clue what amount my body needs to thrive on and it scares me to increase. I’m definitely on the petite side so I feel like I really don’t need ‘that much’, but maybe my body is crying out for more fuel, and I’m just ignoring it. I would love to be able to eat more, but it’s just so far out of my comfort zone.
I need to remind myself that the number I see on the scale is just that…a number. It doesn’t tell me how much progress I’ve made, what my body composition is, what my real worth as a person is. I know I’m more fit than I was a year ago, but my brain hasn’t quite caught up and I’m sick of feeling bad about myself because I weigh more now than I did. Some days, I know I’m far from fat and I can actually appreciate my new-found muscle, but for the days that are harder, I just need that reminder that I’m more than the number.
Any advice on how to get out of this numbers mindset?