WIAW: Weekend Food and Fitness Thoughts

Hi girlies! Hope you enjoyed your weekend! As I mentioned in my last post (which I loved all the comments on, BTW!) I went home this weekend, actually for the first time since spring break. And I’m headed back home this weekend, because of Easter. I know it seems like I go home for the weekend a lot but I only live about a 2 hour drive away, so it’s not a huge haul plus having no car means my weekends on campus are super-boring (yet really good for getting homework, papers and studying done). Usually I go home every other weekend, and it’s nice to get a little break from college life, and I love my family to death so it’s a win-win. Anyways, I wanted to recap my weekend for this week’s edition of WIAW. Instead of just sharing all my eats (most of which went undocumented, unfortunately), I also wanted to give you all a little insight into what I was thinking regarding food/fitness this weekend. As I’m sure you can guess, I still struggle a lot with disordered thoughts but I think letting them out is a good way to figure out where they’re coming from and how to refocus them.

Oh, and P.S. today (Tuesday) is my daddy’s birthday! I won’t get to be there to celebrate with him but I’ll just have to have a belated party for him this weekend!


Friday

After writing my hand off finishing an essay exam in my only Friday class, I waited around until my mom and sister got here to pick me up. Usually it’s just my mom, since she doesn’t work on Fridays, but it was their spring break this past week, so my sister was able to come up and get me too. We are really close, so I loved seeing her again.

We had plans to go out to lunch, which I was really excited for. My mom let me pick the place, and being indecisive as usual, I had come up with 3 or 4 possible places. We checked out two of them and finally decided on Ingredient, which is a small chain restaurants with locations in Colorado (where we went, obviously), Missouri, Kansas and Nebraska. I had looked up the menu ahead of time and I found plenty of things that were Ashley-friendly, aka vegan (or could be modified to be vegan) and ‘safe’, ED-wise. Yes, looking up menus/nutritional facts ahead of time is a habit I’ve clung to, I pretty much do it every time I’m planning on going out to eat, not just to find the lowest calorie item, but also now because I’m eating primarily vegan, and non-vegan things can be hiding in almost anything! I would like to move away from the calorie researching thing, but it’s still a scary thing for me not to know the calories in something.

Anyways, we settled on Ingredient and we enjoyed the sunshine and warm weather outside as we waited for our food. Like I said, the restaurant had a lot of options for me, but I ended up getting something ‘safe’, aka a build-your-own salad. But to be honest, I didn’t order it just because it was safe, but because I really love getting to make creative salads. I ordered napa/bok choy mix topped with fresh jalapenos, artichoke hearts, fresh strawberries, white beans and fat-free raspberry vinaigrette. Random, I know, but it was what was appealing to me at the moment. And I did love the salad, but I mostly just ate the toppings because the lettuce ended up being hearts of romaine, and it wasn’t very tasty. But…I kinda regretted getting it, because I saw that they had other yummy-sounding options, like a falafel sandwich, a veggie burger with whatever toppings you wanted and make-your-own pizza (which I could have gotten without cheese). But I chose the ‘safe’ option, and while it was good, it wasn’t very satisfying.

Saturday

I woke up bright and early (aka like 8 am) because my dad, sister and I had plans to play tennis! We’ve been playing tennis on and off during the spring and summer ever since my sister and I went to a tennis camp 5 years ago and discovered that we really liked it. Now it’s one of my favorite forms of exercise, because it’s challenging mentally and physically, and I can do it with other people, namely my dad and sister. We kinda play doubles, only my dad is on his own 😉 We had breakfast and set out for the tennis courts that are about a 10 minute drive from our house–which is HUGE, because almost nothing is within 10 minutes of our house. We live in the middle of nowhere 😛

My tennis 'outfit': navy hoodie (Hollister), white cami (Aeropostale), new royal blue yoga shorts (Hollister).

The weather was gorgeous, even at 10 in the morning. It was the perfect temperature (around 70 degrees) and the sun was out with almost no wind. We played for almost an hour, but I wasn’t even close to being tired. In fact, I felt like we had only been playing for half an hour! The only issue was, I tripped on my way back from class on Friday (klutz status!) and totally tore up both knees, plus a few layers of skin ripped off one of my big toes. TMI, I know! I was wearing band-aids all over, and of course, my right knee was kinda stiff because the skin was trying to grow back and all that jazz that happens after you fall down. It didn’t really impact my playing, just that I wasn’t able to run to get the ball as much as usual. This made my ED voice act up big time. He was basically just telling me that even though we’d been playing for an hour, it was barely a workout, because I didn’t run as much as I usually would and mostly just walked to get the ball when it went out of the court. Okay, the reason I play tennis is not only to burn calories, but also because I truly love it, but it still made me feel ‘bad’ and ‘fat’ that I hadn’t been able to exert myself as much as usual.

Saturday's lunch: frozen pineapple, mixed greens topped with mini sweet peppers (SO GOOD!), edamame and flax tempeh cubes.

Lunch was…lame. Like I do on most weekends at home, I take advantage of the abundant (or sometimes not-so-abundant) selection of produce and made myself a salad. I was going for an Asian-ish twist, so I whipped up some peanut dressing made with peanut flour and sriracha sauce, and topped the greens with a little edamame, a few mini sweet peppers (a new obsession) and cubed tempeh heated up on the stove. I also had some frozen pineapple on the side. Unfortunately, the dressing turned out to be bland and the edamame was freezer-burned so the entire salad was not too tasty. I ate all the pineapple, peppers and most of the tempeh but had to throw the rest out. Better luck next time? And yes, I know this was nowhere near enough food, especially since I had just played tennis, but I was just not feelin’ it. Of course, later on I was starving–duh, I had barely eaten before! I’m still trying to work out my weird hunger cues–I am rarely hungry after working out, but I definitely feel it later on.

After church with my family (a guy from Jews for Jesus came and told us all about the Seder meal for Passover–it was really cool!) we headed home for some dinner. I was very hungry even after having a decent snack a few hours earlier. My mom was going to grill sausages (chicken for my family, veggie for me) and have some salad and fries (aka sweet potato tots for me) on the side. I was excited…until I saw the sausages she bought for me. They were the Field Roast brand, the Mexican chipotle flavor. Um yeah, these sounded totally delicious…but 250 calories for one sausage? That’s about how many calories I’ve been eating for dinner, never mind we were also having stuff on the side! I freaked out, despite the fact that A) they sounded really good, B) they are pretty healthy and non-processed and C) they have 23 grams of protein per sausage (not too shabby!) But the disordered side of me went straight towards the ‘high’ calorie count (which is honestly not that high). I tried to compensate by skipping a bun (I’m not really a fan of them anyway) and only having a half serving of sweet potato tots. This didn’t stop me from mentally beating myself up after dinner, especially when my dad said, “Wow, you must have liked it!” because I ate the whole sausage. Well, yes, I did like it, but I interpreted his comment to mean “Wow, you’re a pig!” Unfortunately, I let his comment get to me and after dinner, I tried to feel better about how much I had eaten (not that much in reality, but more than I’m used to) by doing some cardio circuits for 15 or 20 minutes. I do this sometimes, try to make up for eating what I see as too many calories (aka the number doesn’t fit into my set plan for the day, despite the fact that it might still be not enough) by working out extra. And on top of this, it wasn’t enjoyable because my knee was still hurting and my ankles were sore. That’s been freaking me out–my ankles have ached whenever I’ve been doing cardio since this weekend and I’m not sure why–and I’m scared I’ll have to take a break from daily workouts, which is a big no-no for me.

Saturday's real outfit: new flutter-sleeved royal blue tee (Hollister), navy twill shorts with white belt (Hollister).

Sunday

Sunday was a LOT better for me, thoughts-wise. I had breakfast with my family (BTW, chocolate and peanut butter Puffins taste amazing in unsweetened almond milk, they sweeten it up and make it taste like cookies and cream!), got ready for the day and played a few tricks on my parents. It was April Fool’s Day, after all! They were a little lame, like prank calling them on their cell phones using blocked numbers (they somehow knew it was me and my sister) but the best one was pouring some vinegar and tonic water into my dad’s flavored sparkling water at lunch. He totally spit it out and it was just hilarious! I was considering putting some toothpaste in place of the cream in the Oreos we had in the pantry, but I didn’t want to be too mean 😉

Sunday's lunch: spicy peanut pasta salad, green grapes, garlicky kale.

Speaking of lunch, it was a winner, especially compared to Saturday’s. I whipped up a quick pasta salad using quinoa pasta (love this stuff), chopped baby carrots, edamame and spicy peanut dressing (basically the same as on Saturday, but I got the proportions right this time so it actually tasted like something). I also had some green grapes on the side, as well as garlicky kale, which I sauteed on the stove with some salt and garlic until it was crispy. It was so good, I am definitely making this as much as I can! The best part of lunch, though, was enjoying it out on the deck with my family reading the Sunday paper. I love getting to eat outside and enjoy a leisurely lunch, which I never get to do at school. Only 4 and a half more weeks til I can eat outside every day!

Before my mom and I had to hit the road, my sister and I went for a quick walk on our street. The weather was perfect and it’s hard to believe it was almost 80 degrees when I was home–it’s been cold, cloudy and windy the past two days, plus it snowed…Colorado is bipolar! 😦 It’s supposed to warm up by tomorrow though.

Back in good old FoCo, my mom and I had dinner at Garbanzo, since they were having a buy one get one deal. It was really crowded and busy because of this, but still enjoyable. It’s one of my favorite fast casual places to eat at, since it’s all Mediterranean cuisine, which is one of my faves, and they also have a lot of veg options. I got my usual plate of hummus, cilantro sauce, fresh red cabbage, tabbouleh (they have the best!), lettuce and I tried the portobello mushroom this time. I would probably skip it next time, since it was really watery, but it wasn’t too bad. I ate it all minus most of the mushrooms and loved it. And surprisingly, I didn’t feel too guilty about it, which I usually do after eating out. However, Garbanzo is a really healthy place and I truly just love it.

Monday's quick lunch: fresh kale massaged with peanut flour sauce, Clif Kids s'mores bar, red grapes.

So yes, I realize this was a monstrous post, but it really feels good to get all my thoughts out there and just be honest with myself and all of you. I really love how Tessa does this with her WIAW posts, because I can always relate, and I think it just adds something rather than just sharing what I ate. I think it’s more important to share the thoughts and feelings behind the food, rather than the food itself.

What did you do this weekend? What’s your favorite way to eat kale?

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18 thoughts on “WIAW: Weekend Food and Fitness Thoughts

  1. Sorry to hear the ED voice was strong over the weekend 😦 But I think it is fabulous you’re aware of it and that you want change! That’s half the battle! Hopefully this weekend will be better for you, especially since it’s Easter 🙂
    Oh and your April fools with your dad’s drink sounded sooo funny! I never succeed at my April fool attempts haha
    Have a great one friend, stay strong!! ❤

  2. Sorry about your ED voice. But, at least you recognize it and are trying not to listen to it. I always wonder if that voice will always be there for me, telling me things like you felt during tennis (for example, I do yoga and think of it as a rest day…).

    Not having a car at college is pretty lame though, so I don’t blame you for going home every weekend… I did too :).

    • It is lame isn’t it?! Almost everyone I know has a car and my college town is pretty big and city-like so it’s not easy to walk wherever I need to besides just around campus. I’m glad to hear you went home a lot too–I always have a more fun weekend when I do!

  3. Oh,Ashley,this post makes me so sad. I knew that your ED still is a prominent part of your life,but I didn’t know it’s still that bad. 😦
    I can totally relate to your thoughts and actions; I would’ve done the same after that dinner on Saturday,for example. It’s terrible because I never feel able to enjoy a meal properly!
    On top of that,I simply cannot eat as much as I want but as much as I feel “allowed” to: As soon as I eat something that’s a bit higher in calories,I cut back on another meal/food,just like you did with the sweet potato tots. I cannot put into words how much I hate it,but it’s so hard to change!
    I also absolutely rely on daily workouts. Without working out,I tell myself I don’t need to eat because I don’t burn enough calories. Uhm,yeah…

    On a different note,I’m totally jealous because you have the possibility to play tennis somehere near you! I always wanted to try tennis,but where?! 😦

    • I’m sorry you can relate to my thoughts and struggles, but at least I know I can have someone who totally understands where I’m cowing from and I know we can work through this together!

      I wish you had a place to play tennis, it’s such a fun sport!

  4. Reader says:

    You’re right, it is lame. But I think you’re not ready for recovery because you seem to really take pride in the fact that you’re underweight. I can tell from your pictures and the way you write… I was like that too during some of my low points, and many things scared me as well like “high” calorie foods (um, 250 calories for part of your dinner really isn’t much considering you basically had water the entire day — aka, “salad”).

    I know I sound so mean here, but honestly… I can’t help but kind of roll my eyes because I was in your situation just a little over a half a year ago, and let me tell you, it was the biggest mistake of my life having my ED control me so far to the brink of near death. You know what happens when you continue down this path? One of two things: you either mess yourself up so much that you die or barely have enough life in you to do anything besides sleep, OR, you recover and yes, gain all the weight back that you had lost. Perhaps that sounds sooooooo awful and scary, but guess what? You no longer ache in random places like an old lady, you look prettier (unless you want pedophiles after you), and you no longer have to be this angry person to be around who is freaking out over a damn sausage and spending hours looking for the safest option to get the lowest calorie salad for a meal that leaves you wishing you had something else and aching for more.

    What it took for me to recover was realizing I no longer had the strength to go on exercising, barely eating, AND working at a full-time job I got after graduating from college. I failed at life because my ED took control of me. My friends were living their lives, starting fresh in new cities and with new jobs, and I was sick. Fun huh? It’s time to get mature about this and realize you won’t be able to keep this lifestyle up forever, so you may as well make things right sooner than later!

    • I appreciate your honesty but obviously you aren’t seeing the whole picture here. I don’t take pride in looking underweight–in fact, I don’t see myself as underweight which is why I started restricting again. Yes, I know I have body dysmorphia but it’s not something to attack me for. And I’m not an angry person, I actually am truly happy most of the time, especially when I’m with friends and family, and I don’t let ED thoughts control me 24/7. I do have the thoughts like I mentioned here but I am working on fighting through them and finding healthier ways to rework them. So despite what you might think, I am actively working on this. It’s not an overnight process, which you should know.

  5. I haven’t played tennis in forever!

    On a less light hearted note : I’m really, really, reallllllly worried about you, Ashley! I know you probably can’t see it, but you look extremely underweight (as you are, judging by your BMI!) and your eating choices (as you mostly realize) are very ED-driven. And not much food at all! Please, I really hope you’re getting professional help. And really – consider inpatient. No one wants to do it, but it can be so good for you! I know you’re strong enough to succeed at inpatient! Please think about it seriously, for me? I’m praying for you.

    • I am considering seeing a therapist when I go home for the summer because when I was seeing one, it seemed to help at least for awhile. And I will have the support of my parents when I go home and won’t be able to restrict openly at home so that will definitely help. However, I am not considering inpatient because I am dedicated to finishing my college degree and also doing my internship this summer and I don’t want to waste those opportunities. But I am still working on eating more, it’s just hard to do without much support right now which I will have this summer.

  6. Hannah says:

    Ashley-
    I have to agree with some of the other comments! Over the last couple months+ your meals have not seemed to changed. If you say you truly want recovery and life then making changes is the only way to do it. You do look seriously unhealthy and the fact that you continue to drop weight is only going to make things more difficult, as your brain function will decrease as your body tries to keep the vital processes going(ie heart lungs). It is really disheartening to see you struggle so much and as the other girls suggested you should really get some help, and fast. Saying you’ll get help this summer is only avoiding the unavoidable and putting off what needed to be taken care of yesterday. You say you won’t go inpatient because you are dedicated to your college career but if there is no Ashley b/c you’ve died from anorexia then there is no college and everything will be for a waste anyway. College and life will always be here waiting for you, but you need to take care of YOU first or none of it really matters in the end. Sorry for the drawn out response, but it seems as though you take your condition wayyyy to lightly and need people to tell you to wake up and smell the roses b/c things are worse than you think they are. I hope you take into consideration all the suggestions/thoughts that have been given and make some positive changes in your life.

    • I really understand what you’re saying here but unfortunately no one can see the whole picture. I’ve only recently started to realize and accept that I am slipping back, so the past months up until about a month ago I wasn’t changing my meals because I didn’t realize I had to. Now I do, and I’m slowly working on adding more. Obviously this post isn’t all that I ate over the weekend, I just wanted to mention some things that were of note. I know I have to continue eating more, but I can’t get back up to a regular amount overnight because it’s dangerous to do so. And about college, I literally cannot go inpatient because I will never get another chance to go to college–my parents have a hard enough time as it is paying for it but I can’t get any scholarships so getting help this summer through a therapist and possibly nutritionist is the way I will have to go about it. It worked the first time around and I know that having more support will help me again. I don’t want to make excuses, but a lot of why I’ve slipped is because of stress from school this year and I know I need to have support for that, so I am definitely considering that. And I know what I need to do to get back on track, I just need people in my life encouraging me to do so.

      • Reader says:

        It’s not dangerous to up your calories the way you think it is. People are suggesting you eat more, not a truck load for every meal — eating “more” is not going to kill you.

        Not being ready to fully commit to recovery means that there’s something about your ED that you take pride in and want to hold onto. When I began recovery, I no longer wanted anything to do with my ED anymore because it kicked my arse! So like everyone said: it’s up to you.

  7. In Ashley’s defense, this is the internet. None of us know that this is ALL she is eating. None of us know she’s eating those entire pictured portions. People online know what others chose to tell them and what they chose to believe, not necessarily the whole truth. Anyone can post a picture of a meal and say they ate it. Others may post pictures of meals they ate, and did not eat the whole thing. Others may eat at their jobs or at school, making people think they are fine, but restrict heavily and exercise excessively at home.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is, someone’s life, but especially someone who has an ED, isn’t always what other see. Ashley, you’re the only person who truly knows what’s going on with your ED voice, your life, your body. You’re the one who has to live with those things, make decisions about those things, and live with those decisions every day. Not me or any other commenter.

    As far as school goes, I do agree with the idea of finishing out the semester, since it’s almost over anyway (my husband has two weeks of classes left then finals). But, you seriously should see a therapist over the summer. As far as IP or any treatment goes, that’s between you and the therapist.

    However, I’m shorter than you, small framed, and never looked that thin. And I know just how underweight I’ve been and the toll it’s taken on my body at 26. I’m 6 years older than you and facing health concerns. So, maybe when you make decisions about food or anything, think about if you’d be happy with them in 6 years. Trust me, a lot changes- and when you look back, even just in a few years, a class, an internship, a summer, it means a lot to you now (those things meant a lot to me). But, years later, I see just how much they really MEAN, in the scheme of affecting my life. Do what you have to do.

    Recovery is hard, it doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s a slow process. I don’t really think that “ED Voice” will ever go away for me, sadly. But, I can do something about it- choose not to listen to it.

    And you can do that too.

    • Thank you! This is exactly what I wanted to get across. Obviously I appreciate any concern but I don’t like being accused and attacked when no one knows what’s really going on. I do know that I have things to work on and like you said, the ED voice will never really disappear but I can make the choice to ignore it and that’s what I’m going to do! Because I am really invested in my schoolwork and future career, I have to make the changes now to ensure I don’t mess them up.

      • You do, but it will take a lot more than not doing a summer internship this summer, or having to take a semester off, to mess up your career goals. Trust me, I’ve done and seen some *stupid* stuff since entering the workforce. Despite the stupid stuff, I don’t know anyone who’s totally messed it all up or blown it all. Things happen. People get over them. So do we.

        If I were you, being out of college and working in my career field for almost 5 years now, I would definitely focus on getting better this summer. An internship is great, if you’re healthy enough to do it and enjoy it (you may be- like I said, only you would know that). But, it’s not your only chance, not a one-shot deal. You have other opportunities to work and intern, but dealing with any sort of psychological condition as a college student and then as an adult (I’ve been there, both places) is totally different, and if you really value you the support, you’ll do it sooner than later. Believe me, professors and college friends are way more supportive and open about things like this.

  8. Hoookay… things are getting a bit tense here. Ashley, first and foremost (and to echo what Amy is saying here) YOU are the only one that knows what you are eating, the amounts, and the exact thoughts you have around all of it. Yes you explained some it throughout this blog post, but we still don’t know every.single.thought you have around all of this… or what you are doing to overcome it all!
    Thank you for mentioning me here and also finding that this “different’ way of doing a WIAW post was helpful for you. I know it helps me each time I make the effort to do a “twist” on a WIAW post as it really makes me address the mental attitudes i am having towards the food. I really appreciate your sincere honesty here and I KNOW this is goign to help you out. I have been noticing a bit that you have been struggling.. but only because you have been talking about it on your blog and also mentioning it on mine as well. Again, YOU only the extent of this and also what you need to do to address the worsening issue.
    I am sorry you are feeling attacked here, that is certainly not a good feeling at all. However, I do think that the anonymous commenters are saying something more out of concern than attacking you. They don’t know everything about you, but they are making conclusions and I do think there is some truth in what they are saying… SOME, not all.
    Keep your head up girl, YOU are the only one that knows what to do and how to do it.

    • Thank you Tessa! I always appreciate your honesty on your blog and that was what I was trying to do with this post. I think maybe I made my thoughts and feelings out to be worse than they actually are–by no means am I constantly thinking about this, there were just a few instances this past weekend that stuck out to me as blatant ED thinking and I wanted to address those to be as honest as possible about my struggles. I sometimes regret posting things on here because I worry what people’s responses will be but it is my blog and I have every right to share my feelings. And I am taking everyone’s comments into consideration, I just feel attacked when anonymous commenters come out of nowhere on my more deep posts and are very blunt. I know they do it out of concern of course, but it just feels less personal than when someone like you comments because we have more of a blog relationship if that makes sense!

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