My Story: Part 1

Hi everyone! Thanks for all the well wishes for my foot! Unfortunately, I went to urgent care on Friday night and the doctor there told me I have plantar fasciitis. I’m so so glad it’s not fractured, but there isn’t much that can be done for PF. I did buy some gel inserts for my shoes and am planning on icing it and trying a new pain reliever, but the pain might become a chronic thing that only gets better with steroid injections. I hope it starts to feel a little bit better soon, though! I’ll be recapping my weekend on Wednesday (WIAW time!!!!!!) so be sure to check back for some amazing recipes!

Today I wanted to share my eating disorder story with you. This is a hard post for me to write, but it feels right and I know that much of the blogging community is so incredibly supportive, not to mention a lot of bloggers have also dealt with EDs/disordered eating and can relate.

My anorexia really began in the fall of 2008, but it’s safe to say that I started engaging in disordered eating a couple of years earlier, when I was a freshman in high school. I was in a required health class at school, and of course, we learned all about nutrition. I learned that fats are “bad” and you shouldn’t eat too much, or anything deemed unhealthy. Well, I took that information and ran with it. I was never a  junk food eater but I started actively seeking out fat-free products at the grocery store. I wasn’t really restricting or anything, so my parents didn’t notice the small change in my eating habits.

9th grade. Before my ED, but I still felt insecure in my body.

In the fall of my junior year, I started looking at Yahoo Answers, which is basically just an online community where you can ask questions and get answers from other users. It started out innocently enough–I was just asking for school and fashion advice and answering others’ questions. But for whatever reason, I really became dissatisfied with my body during this time. I’ve always been a small girl, one of the shortest and most petite of girls my age. I’ve also been teased a lot for my size, and I’ve never had much self-esteem because of it, plus I’m fairly shy. Not to mention, my best friend since third grade and I were slowly drifting apart and I found myself distant from the close-knit group of friends I’d had since elementary school. I started feeling like if I could improve my body somehow, my life and relationships would be so much better. So I started asking questions about if I was skinny enough, how to lose weight, etc. At that time, I was 85 pounds at a height of 5’1. So definitely not fat at all; in fact, that’s pretty thin. And honestly, my ED didn’t start out with a desire to lose weight. I just wanted to improve myself, so I started trying to eat super-healthy.

But it wasn’t that healthy. I started out being focused on cutting out fats. I was eating mostly fat-free products, which aren’t too nutritious. I really liked this one Lean Cuisine meal with shrimp and noodles because it was really low in fat and pretty low in calories too. I also would eat plain black beans and plain rice for dinner…that was it, and it wasn’t even a serving size. Around that time, I’d discovered almond butter, and I loved it, but I was so scared of fats that I would only eat maybe a teaspoon a day, if that. In February 2009 or so, I started cutting back on carbs too after reading about people’s weight loss success on low-carb diets. At this point, my eating had definitely become restricted, not only in variety, but also amount. I would have a slice of light toast with half a teaspoon of almond butter and “hot chocolate” made with Hershey’s unsweetened cocoa powder and water for breakfast, a sugar-free Jell-O and a jelly sandwich made on one slice (cut in half) of light bread for lunch, a sugar-free pudding or a small handful of pretzel twists for a snack and then a miniscule amount of the dinner my family was having. I thought I was being so healthy, and I thought I’d be satisfied with my shrinking body, but I wasn’t. I saw myself as fat and ugly every single day. I was freezing cold all the time, my feet were constantly purple, I was losing hair, my skin was dried out and it hurt to sit down for any amount of time. I used a tape measure every day to measure my arms, legs and waist to see if they’d gotten any smaller, since we didn’t have a scale I could use. I tried to convince myself I was happy this way, but I wasn’t.

February of my junior year. Almost at my worst point, but I couldn't see how sick and skinny I was.

My parents started really catching on in March. I was continuing to eat a tiny amount, while also working out in P.E. class every day for 45 minutes. Almost every day after school, I’d come home and sleep because I was so weak and exhausted. My mom showed me an article from Seventeen about a girl who had anorexia and she said it sounded like me. Of course, I denied it, but I knew deep down I had a problem–I just couldn’t stop. Slowly starving myself gave me a high, it made me feel good…at least for the short term.

Then came the day that I had to go to the doctor. I don’t think I was scared at all, because I honestly didn’t think I’d lost any weight. Then I stepped on the scale…76 pounds. I’d lost 9 pounds in the matter of a few months. I know that sounds like such a small number, but keep in mind, I was already pretty underweight to begin with. I’d lost 12 percent of my body weight, which is a lot.

The next day, I woke up thinking everything would be normal. But it wasn’t. My parents sat me down and had a long talk about my anorexia. They knew I’d been asking for advice on Yahoo Answers and they knew a lot of other stuff I thought I’d been hiding well. After the talk, I cried pretty much all day. My parents also started forcing me to eat–and it felt like a LOT! I felt so full, disgusting and fat that entire day and many more to come. That night, my dad made me eat an apple and I was so mad that I threw it at him and said I hated them so much. I really regret saying that now, but I know my mind was in such a sick place back then that I couldn’t see that they were trying to help. I just thought they were trying to make me fat…

April 2009. The beginning of my recovery.

 

Part 2 coming soon!

 

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41 thoughts on “My Story: Part 1

  1. I am SO SO SO SO proud of you for sharing sweetie ❤ I know how hard it is, but wow, what an amazing thing you just did ❤ Sharing our stories help a lot of people in the world that are still suffering! Be proud of yourself xoxo

  2. Aww! So inspiring & I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I went through a very similar thing of cutting out carbs, fats, and sugars. If I allowed myself an “eat day” I would eat sugar free vanilla pudding. If it wasn’t an “eat day” I’d chew gum and drink water all day. I’m naturally thin as well. I was 100 pounds and dropped to 80 in 2 months. My actual disorder didn’t last long but the recovery process took over a year. I was always freezing & my feet always turned purple too! I had to wear slippers and sweatshirts all through last school year because of it. I’m so happy I can now wear flip flops and little dresses to school and be fine. One thing I love about this blogging community is that we can always relate to people in some way and not feel so alone. I wish you the best of luck with life & hope you never have to go through something like that again. Btw, you’re gorgeous and have no need to have poor body image at all. ❤

    • Thanks for sharing some of your story! I can totally relate–the actual disorder part wasn’t too long but recovery definitely has been challenging for me and I still consider myself in recovery. And I’m also glad I can wear dresses and flip-flops too 😀

  3. Thanks for sharing this ❤ my ed also started when I was very young (at the age of 11) and still so innocent, I didn't even know what I was doing in the beginning. I can relate very much and still feel the pain from oh so long ago. Now that I'm 25 ed has just become "routine" which feels so normal, it's scary how numb a person can become.

    You can be so very proud of yourself darling for overcoming this. But please be aware and never ever let ed sneak back into your life.

    Wishing u a lovely day
    xoxo Mel

  4. buttonss - Cherie says:

    Its good that youre sharing this, it always feels good to type it out ya know.
    I look forward to part 2, and Im so happy your okay now.

  5. It is so BRAVE of you to share your story with us here!
    I am so sorry you had to go through all that,but believe me,you can be so proud of yourself in the face of how you fight against your ED every day! I wish I was as strong as you are since I am having my ED for five years already and although I want to recover and kinda “improved” my eating habits,gaining weight is just so hard for me. I still am severe underweight,I know my state is so dangerous,but I feel so… weak; I feel not strong enough to gain as I fear to relapse directly because of being so unhappy with my body then 😦

    • Gaining weight is definitely one of the hardest parts, but I know you can do it! You may not like your body right away (there are still many days that I don’t!), but if you keep at it, you will!

  6. Wow, your story is so powerful! Thanks for sharing, that truly shows strength my friend 🙂 I’m so glad you found recovery, you’re gorgeous inside and out!


  7. Thank you for sharing and opening up to us! This was so sad and interesting to read! I cant wait for part 2!
    You are such a strong girl for fighting ED! He sure is stronge, but you have really kicked him! You should be so proud!
    I remember when my parents forced me to eat too. And like you, I really thought it was because they wanted me to be fat. This is many years ago though, and i have (and still am) struggeling with a lot of ED thoughts. But not in the way I used to!
    Again, cant wait for part 2!!!

  8. I’m really happy that you’re sharing this with us. In many ways your story is very similar to mine and I relate a lot, and not just because I was also diagnosed with anorexia. I’m excited to see part 2. I remember the part in the beginning of recovery where you just hate everyone that is trying to take care of you. You’re amazing. Can’t wait for part 2.

  9. I can’t wait to read Part 2. Thank you for sharing with all of us. It takes a lot of bravery to post this! I’m so glad you’re better now though!! You’re an inspiration to everybody. 🙂

  10. Thanks so much for sharing this!! I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but you look so much better now that you’re healthy. You are so gorgeous and it’s so sad that you weren’t happy, though we all go through it. Some of us just take it to extremes unfortunately, I mean, I did too! I actually suffered with mine at the exact same time. Weird yo.

  11. Wow, your story sounds so much like my own! I’ve always been the shortest and most petite in my grade and of course was teased because of it. I’m sure my eating disorder was triggered by this teasing. I understand all of the awful symptoms that come with being so underweight: the hair loss, purple feet, etc. I had it all. 😦

    It’s awesome that you have come so far and are able to share your experiences! I can definitely say you’re an inspiration to so many girls, including me. I’m looking forward to reading part 2!

    • I’m sorry you had to go through the same things 😦 But I’m so glad I could share my story and hopefully inspire others to do the same. Thank you so much for reading!

  12. Ah I’m just now reading part 1. (Luckily I’m late to the party and can continue on with part 2) But I also have PF and I use a golf ball to massage out some of the old scar tissue and that tendon that runs up the foot. It feels so good!

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