Excuses, Excuses

Excuses. We all have ‘em. They can be a convenient way to get out of something we don’t want to do. But sometimes, they can really hold us back from doing something we want or need to accomplish.

I admit it, I’m an excuse-maker. I make excuses about small things, like why I didn’t clean the bathroom. But excuses I make about my health and well-being are a lot more important and unfortunately, I make them all too often.

Excuse #1: I can’t eat as much as ____ or I’ll gain weight…OR I can’t eat ____ without being unhealthy.

I’ve thought these things to myself a LOT throughout my recovery process, especially lately as I’ve been sharing my struggles here. It’s all really a comparison game for me. I see people in my real life and online who either do eat more than I do, or at least claim to eat a lot, and I always think “Well, good for them that they can eat that much and have an amazing body and life. Too bad I’d balloon up if I ate that much.” I know I’ve gotten countless comments on here about how I eat so little but it’s so hard to see for myself when it seems normal or even healthy to me. Four years ago, when I was at my worst, I was eating only a few hundred calories a day. Now I’ve finally gotten away from obsessively tracking every morsel that enters my mouth so I can’t say for sure how much I am eating but I know it’s way more than I was. I also know that it may not be enough, especially since I do workout pretty much every day. And I know there have been many success stories of people maintaining or even losing weight eating more than they used to, so it’s something I do want to ease into myself. It still seems crazy to me that I could be eating much more than I am now and still be the same size.

I might be eating more variety and incorporating more fats, but I still might be lacking in calories.

Excuse #2: I don’t look ‘sick’ so I must be fine.

At my worst, I was a good 15-20 pounds lighter than I am now which is definitely unhealthy, even for someone who’s only 5’1. I didn’t see it then, but looking back at pictures from 4 years ago I can see a definite difference and it makes me sad. Now, I’m at my highest weight ever and honestly, it scares me. I’ve never been in the triple digits so being so close to it is really scary to me. I always rationalize that I ‘need’ to be underweight to look halfway decent because I’m so short. I think that’s just how my disordered mind sees my body, though. I certainly don’t think I look underweight, or sick, or in need of help. But maybe I still am. And there are a few, rare days where I look in the mirror and actually think I look good, or maybe even a little thin, but those days aren’t often. Because I see myself in this distorted way, I tell myself that it’s okay to obsessively eat clean and rarely take a day off from exercise because if I don’t, all hell will break loose (aka I’ll gain weight). But you don’t have to look sick, or be at your lowest weight to need help. You can still be sick while barely underweight or even at a normal weight.

I may not think I look too skinny but maybe I am…

Excuse #3: I need to workout everyday or I’ll lose my fitness.

I always praise other bloggers for taking rest days when they need them, but when do I take a rest day? I’d say once or twice a month. It doesn’t matter if I have a headache, am feeling a little sick or am really busy, I will squeeze in exercise almost every day. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it is when I don’t listen to my body. And it’s also not good when I feel guilty for not exercising. Take this weekend, for example. I’m heading back up to my apartment with my parents to load up all the bigger items I couldn’t get on my trip home Wednesday and cleaning out my apartment so they can lease it out for the summer. I’ll be gone from Saturday afternoon til Sunday afternoon, and besides running errands and taking things up and down the stairs multiple times, I won’t be getting in much traditional exercise. I’m already stressing out about it. Not good. However, I’ve reached my breaking point with this. I’ll be busy this summer with my internship, a 4 week online summer class and just wanting to have fun. So I want to plan out 1 or 2 rest days per week, so I’m not a ball of stress figuring out when I can work out. And taking a day or two off won’t just not kill me, it’ll also benefit me and my energy levels.

I still want to play a lot of tennis this summer, but I won’t stress out when I take a rest day (even if it’s unplanned).

Have you ever made any ‘excuses’ that you ended up tossing out? 

Currently: May

I feel like I was just saying this a month or so ago, but it’s dead week again on my campus. It’s honestly not as awful as it sounds, but seeing as I have just over a week until my first and only final, as well as many projects due this week, I needed to get in some quick and easy posts while I’m stressed out over end-of-the-year stuff for the next week and a half. I promise I’ll be back to more normal posting once school ends, I move out and get settled back in at home and with my internship and online summer class. Until then, enjoy the mindless fun posts

Current Book: Does my geology book count? ‘Cause that’s probably the only book I’ll be reading until next Tuesday…and it’s not even by choice.

Current Music: Still loving on the alt rock genre, especially Vampire Weekend and Blondfire. I jammed out to this song while taking an impromptu mini road trip to the mountains two weekends ago. Reminds me that summer’s coming soon!

Current Guilty Pleasure: All things raw and delicious! This weekend alone, I stocked up on kale chips (hey, they were on sale!), sprouted Thai curry cashews (total obsession), cacao nibs, dried fruit and a few raw energy bars. Raw food can be expensive but it’s worth it to me for the taste and health benefits.

Haven’t bought this in awhile, but it may be my post-finals treat.

Current Nail Color: Pink+coral, with polka dots. So fun, but so easy to do!

Super cute!

Current Drink: My infused water…planning on making a second batch soon!

Current Food: I’ve been loving on the raw snacks (as I said above), sweet potatoes (what else is new?), salted crunchy peanut butter (normally not a PB lover, but I’m going with it), all kinds of summer fruit, tofu, avocados and the new paleo BBQ sauce I picked up.

Current Favorite Show: I haven’t been keeping up with many shows, but SNL is a perennial favorite of mine and Zac Galifianakis is always hilarious.

Probably one of the funniest sketches.

Current Wishlist: For the weather to stay warm for the rest of the summer(60s and rain is better than snow, but I want 70s and 80s!), good grades in all my classes, a smooth move-out process, maybe one more time to hang out at my apartment’s pool (which as far as I know still hasn’t reopened…and there’s less than 2 weeks left in the semester).

Current Needs: Less stressful days,  more sunshine (we’re set to get rain most days this week, which is nice for drought conditions but makes me a little sad) & more regular visits to the Whole Foods salad bar (maybe when I go home for the summer?!)

Current Triumphs: Finishing off my second semester at CTV strong, getting the summer internship I really wanted, starting to conquer my food issues. (P.S. Look for me in the video at about 6:20 and ignore the awkward screenshot)

Current Bane of Existence: The checkout list I got from my complex for moving out. Seriously, it’s a full page of cleaning instructions. I see a lot of sweeping and vacuuming in my future

Current Celebrity Crush: Justin Timberlake. He’s super sexy, got a great voice and sense of humor and I loved his SNL “Veganville” song!

 

So flippin’ funny!

Current Indulgence: I finally got my fill of the Whole Foods salad bar again this weekend, and it reminded me how excited I am to be home so I can enjoy it more often. My wallet doesn’t love it, but it makes for a better dinner out option than most restaurants! And everyone’s got a guilty pleasure, right? Might as well be a healthy one!

Always so damn good.

Current Blessing: Much better weather this week than we’ve been getting the past 3 weeks. I don’t want to jinx it, but I’m thinking we’re done with the snow for awhile, and rain is always much-needed here. I would hate to have to deal with a wildfire like California is right now and like the bad ones we experienced last summer.

What are some of your currently’s?

On Fullness, Rest Days and Intuitive Eating

You might be thinking right now, “Wow, 3 super-taboo blog world topics in one post? This girl is cray.” I can’t necessarily dispute that last statement but as much as I think these issues have been discussed to death lately, I needed to provide my own views on the topics. Amanda had a great post on this last week and it really got me thinking about how bloggers put too much emphasis on what they’re putting into their mouths and how much they’re moving their bodies. Health is important of course, but not when it becomes obsessive.

So first, my thoughts on feeling full. I have to admit, I don’t have the best relationship with this feeling. I have always had a small stomach capacity, so I’ve never been able to eat much without feeling fuller sooner than others. I’ve mostly resolved this issue by eating 5-6 small meals every day and this works for me. But, I still experience very negative emotions when I do get full. Generally, I only feel truly full after meals out, since restaurant portions tend to be larger, and even if I don’t eat the full amount, it can still be overwhelming, no matter what it was I ‘filled up’ on. Let’s look at two examples from this weekend. On Thursday night, my family came up to my apartment because my sister had a college visit at a college nearby and they wanted to save money on a hotel. We went out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants up here, and I had a delicious, individual-sized pizza with kale, garlic, figs and grilled onions on thin crust. I ate 4 out of 6 slices, along with a small orange cream vegan and gluten free cupcake following. After eating, I felt satiated but not too full. Usually, I would feel quite full for maybe half an hour, and feel some guilt over eating ‘that much’ but we ate fairly late and I hadn’t had much to eat in a few hours. However, the following day my mom and I got Qdoba for lunch. I had my usual, the naked veggie salad with black beans, habanero salsa and lots of guacamole. I ate most of the salad, and when we ran errands afterwards, I could sense that I was full, and it messed with my mind for most of the afternoon. Why was I feeling so full after basically just eating lettuce, beans and avocado? I felt guilty for eating most of my lunch, even though it was healthy and balanced.

The meal that made me feel more self-conscious about fullness.

Basically, I just have guilty feelings associated with being full, no matter what I got full from. I don’t think this is a healthy relationship to have–I’m not saying feeling full after every meal is necessarily good either, but it’s okay to feel full from a meal every once in awhile,  especially if you enjoyed it while eating. And some days, we just aren’t as hungry, and can get filled up from even little meals, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up about it.

I didn’t get in any tennis this weekend, but I was ok with taking a rest day on Friday.

About rest days. I’m bad about taking them myself, but I absolutely believe they’re essential for everyone, from pro athletes to casual exercisers. Since I’ve been exercising regularly (for about the past 2 years), I’ve rarely gone a day without some form of a workout. There were a few days when I was out all day and didn’t get in a traditional workout, but I was on my feet all day running errands or shopping and I counted that as my workout, since it was pretty strenuous after a full day. But even on the days when I exercised a little less than the day before (usually because I was too busy), I freaked out. I would love to say I work out just for the good feeling it gives me, but that’s not entirely true. I also do it for the calorie burn, and because it makes me feel okay with eating. Sad, but true. But on Friday, I worked on my exercise guilt. Since my family was up here, and then we headed back to the Springs after my sister’s college visit, I couldn’t fit in a lifting session or even a quick ab workout. I wasn’t completely sedentary (my mom and I ran errands around town for an hour or so) but I didn’t do much other than that, and surprisingly, I was kinda ok with taking a rest day. Sure, I got right back into my routine on Saturday, but it helped me realize that a rest day here and there isn’t the end of the world. In fact, it might help with exercise burnout, and in preventing overuse injuries. I’m not sure if I’m ready to take a full rest day every week, but I’m hoping to get there soon.

Finally, onto intuitive eating. This one has been discussed so much lately, so I don’t want to go into too much detail here. But I do think it’s been misconstrued a lot. I think moving away from calorie/macro counting and measuring is a great thing (and something I’ve been doing since the beginning of the year) but not when it turns into something that isn’t intuitive at all…orthorexia. I know, because I’ve fallen into it myself. I’ve become more hyper-focused on the ingredients in the foods I’m eating, and it’s been obsessive at points. It might seem healthier than calorie counting, but it can be just as destructive. When people start saying they’re eating intuitively, yet still stick with ‘safe’ foods, that could be a red flag for orthorexia. When someone’s obsessed with clean ingredients to the point that they get anxious about eating foods they don’t know the ingredients for (I’m guilty as charged), it could be a sign of orthorexia. Intuitive eating isn’t about stuffing your face with cake or ignoring all healthy eating guidelines, but it isn’t about eating ‘clean’ 24/7. It’s about being flexible, sensing fullness, enjoying your food and not letting it rule your life. I feel like I was pretty good about eating intuitively this weekend. I had everything from fancy vegan pizza, to nori wraps, to Larabars, to a vegan gluten-free cupcake, lots of guac and roasted veggies to protein smoothies. I ate pretty balanced everyday, enjoyed all of my food, didn’t freak out too much when I felt a little fuller than usual and didn’t overthink my choices as usual. I know this is something I’ll still struggle with, but feeling more free is a great thing!

A healthy weekend option, balanced by vegan desserts and pizza!

What are your thoughts on fullness, rest days and intuitive eating? 

Fashion Friday: Spring Mints

I’m hoping that it’s a lot more springlike where you are…because we just got dumped on with a spring snowstorm! And this is no dusting of snow…we got a foot or more in my neck of the woods over a few days! As much as I love Colorado, I dread it in March and April, because they happen to be our snowiest months. Last year, we got summer a few months early but apparently we were due for extra snow and cold this year because we have yet to experience much spring in these parts. Basically, every week since March it’s been a cycle of warm for a few days (usually on the weekend), then it gets windy and cooler, then it snows or maybe rains, and then it warms back up again. So frustrating, but it’s almost late April so I’m hoping we’re DONE with snow for the season!

I’ve been trying to wear spring-y clothes as much as possible, and I got the opportunity to wear one of my favorite spring colors–mint–last Saturday when it was in the 60s. Before this year, I actually didn’t have much of this shade in my closet but it’s quickly becoming a staple in my outfits.

Mint lace-back tank (American Eagle). Dark wash jeggings (AE). Navy floral scarf (AE).

No, my whole closet isn’t from American Eagle, but I do love their basics and accessories! They have some of the best jeans (aside from Hollister) and they always have a huge selection of cute scarves.

Front and back views.

I don’t generally wear tanks alone (I originally got this one to wear under a dress I have with a weird back) but this one is cute not just for the color but for the back detailing. I really love the tanks with a full lace back but this one is a little easier to wear with most bras.

Closeup of scarf.

I don’t own as many scarves as I’d like, but this one is probably my most used. I’ve worn it with neutrals and navy blue but I really love it with this tank because it has hints of the same mint green color.

Mint oxfords (Target).

These were by far the best part of the outfit, though! These were part of my impulse Target buys last weekend. In my defense, they were kinda on clearance, and I’ve been lusting over them for awhile. Anyways, these are the perfect shoes to add into my spring wardrobe and the color of them just makes me happy.

What’s your favorite spring color? Are accessories a big part of your closet? 

Wants & Needs

I’m totally guilty of mixing up needs with wants. Especially when it comes to clothes. “Oh, but I need those shoes!” “I really need to buy that cute shirt.” #firstworldproblems. So maybe some of my needs on this list aren’t really needs but they’re definitely a lot more important than the swimsuits on my wishlist or the new food products I want to try.

I still want… this dress from American Eagle.

Adorable, and it’s finally on clearance!

I know you can’t tell from the picture, but the dress has little birds all over it…cute, right? I’ve been eyeing it since I first saw it in February (side note: I hate how stores stock all their spring clothing in winter when I can’t wear it for another 2 months). It’s finally on clearance…well, if you count 10% a discount. Maybe I’ll wait until it’s even cheaper.

I need… to stop getting sucked in to good deals at Target.

Darn you Target and your amazing items.

Who else gets sucked into the black hole that is Target and emerges half an hour later with half the store in your cart? I mean, you’ve gotta admit they have some pretty good clearance offers and even their regular priced stuff is a steal, but it’s an issue when I can’t leave the store without at least one impulse buy. This time, I was planning on just buying contact solution, but I left with a pair of aqua oxfords (to be fair, I’d been wanting them for awhile) and a sample mini-bag of cinnamon nut coffee. But shit, it was 99 cents It was literally only 99 cents and I thought it was cool that they offered samples of their flavored coffee so I didn’t waste $6 on a full size bag. At least I didn’t buy any of those clearance watches I was eyeing…or the mini dipping bowls…or the nail polish.

I want… to have enough extra money to buy all the cool food items I see at Whole Foods.

I could spend all day browsing the aisles of WF, and it’d be even better if I could stock my kitchen with all the foodie products I spot there. Things like fruit-flavored balsamic vinegars and fresh-made juices and endless salad bar lunches and raw cashew gelato and all the fancy chocolate bars. I try to stick with one or two ‘splurges’ per trip (less expensive things like kale chips and raw desserts) but if I ever have the money, I’ll definitely be trying some of those fancier things.

I need… it to stop snowing every week.

Come on Colorado. It’s April, get your act together and stop snowing on a regular basis. It makes me mad and messes up my week. I don’t appreciate it snowing, and then melting the next day, warming up for a day or two and then snowing again. I know that April is technically one of the snowier months, but I’d appreciate it if it’d start feeling like spring most of the time, instead of once a week. Thanks!

I want… an iPhone when my plan expires in December.

Totally jealous of the endless selection of cases for the iPhone.

I currently have a Droid, and love it for the most part, but the only reason I got it instead of an iPhone is because my family has T-Mobile and up til now, they didn’t offer any of the iPhones. Well, rumor has it that that’s going to change soon, hopefully before our contract expires, because I really want in on the iPhone trend. Mostly for the cute cases, but also because I’ve heard such good things about the phone.

I need… to figure out my summer plans.

Right now, I know I’m going to be doing another internship at a different local TV station (this time, it’ll be in their weather department, which is where I want to get a job after college) and I’m super excited about that. But after signing up for classes for what’s hopefully my last semester of college in the fall, I realized that I’m still 2 credits short. I’d rather not take an extra semester to finish those up, so I’m probably going to end up doing an online class over the summer. I’ve just gotta figure out which one sounds the most interesting and hopefully easiest.

What are your current wants or needs? Do you have an iPhone, Droid or brick (aka super old phone)?

 

Spring Break Fashion

As spring break comes to a close for me (with some snow to end out the week, how perfect…not!), I’m trying to gear back up for 8 more weeks of the semester, picking classes for my senior year of college (scary how fast time flies) and planning out my summer. Not so much fun stuff to look forward to, but I am looking forward to spring and summer like weather, so I can finally wear all the clothes I splurged on over spring break!

Aqua sandals (Target).

I have a new-found obsession with Target’s shoe section. I love wandering the aisles to find amazing deals on shoes, and I’ve scored some pretty good ones. I got a pair of gold sparkly loafers last month for $6! They’re not the comfiest or most practical shoes, but they’re cute and definitely worth their low price. These sandals were also a steal at $12, but I’ll be getting a ton of use out of them this summer. The color is my favorite part, and now I want to go back and stock up on these in all the other colors too.

Light wash printed jeggings (Hollister). Royal blue ruffly tee (Hollister). Navy floral scarf (American Eagle). White watch (American Eagle).

I’m always in need of another good pair of jeans, especially jeggings. I used to HATE tight pants with a passion, because I was so self-conscious about my thighs, but now I’m embracing the skinnier jeans. This new light wash pair was on sale at Hollister (love!) and the shade will be perfect for spring. I love the subtle print they have too.

Coral twill shorts (Hollister).

I have a problem with colored shorts. I just can’t stop buying them! I currently own a khaki pair, a navy pair, a burgundy pair, a bright pink pair, a blue plaid pair, a red plaid pair, a brown pair, a bright red pair and a dark grey pair. These coral ones are the perfect addition to my closet–I love anything coral and it’ll look great as a pop of color with a more neutral top.

Aqua striped crop sweater (Hollister). Dark wash jeggings (American Eagle).

Another aqua piece to add to my closet! I actually don’t own much in aqua, but I think this will be my go-to shade this spring and summer. It just makes me happy! This sweater will work well even into summer because it’s lightweight and cropped.

Black decorated tank (Forever 21). Black/white printed harem pants (Forever 21).

Forever 21 harem pants closeup.

This outfit is very unlike my usual style, or at least my style from a year ago, but I love adding unexpected pieces like this to my wardrobe to mix things up. I’m normally not a fan of black but when it’s paired with a tribal-inspired black-and-white print, it’s so chic. I feel totally fierce in this outfit and I’m really excited to wear it for the first time!

What’s your latest clothing purchase? Do you like bright colors for spring and summer?

 

Just a Number

Time for another honest post over here. I usually like to keep things light and fun, talking about food and fitness and outfits and daily life, but I feel like honesty is really needed in the blog world and since I know a lot of you out there can relate to these posts in some way, I like to keep myself accountable and also ask y’all for some advice from time to time.

Remember this post from about a year ago? That was one of the hardest posts I’d ever had to write but the responses I got were incredible. I promised that I was going to start eating more, stop tracking calories, etc. Well, it took me quite awhile–at least half a year–to get to the point where I felt almost okay doing those things. I stopped tracking my calories earlier this year, and it’s been so freeing. I’ve been eating more than I was a year ago–I don’t know if it’s ‘enough’ but I feel a lot better, more energized.

However, one little thing is still playing with my mind…the scale. My mom bought a scale for the first time during my ED recovery so she could monitor my weight. She hasn’t weighed me in over a year and a half…but that doesn’t mean the scale’s gone unused. Oh no! Every opportunity I get (aka being home alone when I’m on school breaks or weekends I come home), I hop on that scale…and I’m always disappointed with the number. It doesn’t help that just a year ago, my BMI was fairly underweight–I was restricting (though I was eating some things that I wouldn’t touch now, because now I’ve focused my ‘restrictions’ on eating clean) and actually working out less than I am now. So now that I’ve regained to my post-ED goal weight (which, admittedly, is also slightly underweight), I feel like shit. I keep thinking, “How could I have gained that much weight in a year, when I’ve only been eating a little more and working out way more, including weight training?” It makes me mad to think that a year ago, or a few years ago when I was really struggling, I weighed less but was eating less cleanly. People talk about how easy it was for them to drop pounds once they cleaned up their diet, but for me, the opposite has happened. Don’t get me wrong, I really like eating clean, but it annoys me that I’m not seeing the results I want. It’s hard for me to look in the mirror most days, and not see a body that’s bigger than I’d like it to be.

Just to be clear, my goal now is not weight loss, but lean muscle gain. But it’s hard to see the number on the scale go up, when I have no real idea what my body composition is. Silly me for assuming I’d be ultra-lean after just a month or so of strength training. I know real results take time, but I just feel so huge some days.

I know some of you have mentioned that you didn’t start seeing results until you upped your intake by a lot…but doing that still scares me. I have no clue what amount my body needs to thrive on and it scares me to increase. I’m definitely on the petite side so I feel like I really don’t need ‘that much’, but maybe my body is crying out for more fuel, and I’m just ignoring it. I would love to be able to eat more, but it’s just so far out of my comfort zone.

I need to remind myself that the number I see on the scale is just that…a number. It doesn’t tell me how much progress I’ve made, what my body composition is, what my real worth as a person is. I know I’m more fit than I was a year ago, but my brain hasn’t quite caught up and I’m sick of feeling bad about myself because I weigh more now than I did. Some days, I know I’m far from fat and I can actually appreciate my new-found muscle, but for the days that are harder, I just need that reminder that I’m more than the number.

I need to remind myself that there’s not even that much of a difference between my body a year ago and today (March 2012 on left, March 2013 on right)

Any advice on how to get out of this numbers mindset? 

Confessions

We all need to let loose sometimes, am I right? And no, not necessarily in the crazy college kid partying sense, but more like “I just need to get some things off my chest”.

I’ve taken only a few pictures since Wednesday.

Usually, I’m Instagramming on the reg and taking food pics at least once a day. But the last part of this week was busy with exams and work and now I’m trying to just relax during my first few days of spring break. So even though I’ve been eating some delicious meals and wearing cute outfits and just having fun in general, it’s gone mostly undocumented.

The spinach salad I had on Thursday before heading home.

I went to two Whole Foods in the same day.

This was not planned, but I’m not complaining. Well, maybe my wallet is a little, but I’m sure not. I stopped at the WF in my college town for a little post-midterms and pre-spring break treat (fresh mango and cacao nibs) and then when I got back home, I picked up some salad bar goodness that I was able to split into two meals. Good thing, too, because it cost me $11 #yikes

My salad bar leftovers.

I kinda just want to do nothing during spring break.

My spring breaks in college have been a little on the boring side–appointments, meetings and just hanging out at home on my own. In my defense, my mom (a teacher) and little sister have a different spring break than me so we haven’t been able to vacation during March in awhile. But this year, I don’t have many obligations at all…so I’m kinda just gonna work out, eat, blog, shop and hopefully get some sun. I feel like I’m being lazy, but I really just need this week to de-load.

I want it to be in the 70s and 80s forever.

It’s been SO nice here the past couple of days–highs in the upper 60s and low 70s. And I’m dreading the snow we’ll probably get through April. Colorado is weird in the spring–we can get a blizzard one day, and sunny and 70s the next. I’ve learned to roll with it but I kinda just want it to be warm forever.

I’ve loved being able to wear shorts and dresses for the first time in months.

I’ve been in a blogging funk.

I’ve been hardly blogging about anything other than grocery trips and WIAWs. My bad. It’s been busy around here but even now that it’s spring break, I can’t guarantee that I’ll have anything super insightful. I just feel like I don’t know what to post about, what will get a good response, etc.

Anything you’d like me to post about? How’s the weather been in your parts?